Six good reasons to spit in Jamie Oliver’s soup

Jamie Oliver has been plaguing our TV screens, bookshops and supermarket shelves for many years now. The flappy-jowelled mockney has gone from being a slightly annoying TV chef, to a hugely patronising, self-proclaimed cooking martyr. He’s widely regarded as being ‘a bit of a d**k’ in the UK, and indeed around the globe. To celebrate what a massive bell-end he is, let’s take a look at six good reasons to gob in his olive-oil and basil infused tomato soup:

He thinks he’s a politician

Not content with the millions of pounds generated by his crap cooking books, he’s taken it upon himself to become the cooking worlds answer to Bono. In 2005 he embarked on a campaign to make school dinner’s healthy, bringing misery to children across the nation. Parents were equally irritated by his proposition, declaring his food as ‘disgusting rubbish’ and claiming that ‘food is much cheaper and better at the local takeaways’.

What a dickhead

What a dickhead

His restaurants are tosh

Having never been fortunate enough to have never set foot inside a ‘Jamie’s Italian, I can only go on instinct and the comments of others. Back in 2011, the generic chain was hit with a bout of food poisoning, and the kitchen hygiene was deemed unacceptable by inspectors. One elderly female customer, who was too embarrassed to give her name said ‘’I didn’t leave the toilet for a fortnight – I nearly shat myself to death’’.

America dislikes him too

There’s an old cliché that all you need to gain respect in the U.S is to show up with an English accent, act charming and be polite. When Jamie showed up and began telling the Americans to stop eating fast food, they quickly told him to pack up his sh*t and f*ck off home. He was soon home with his tail between his legs. Good on them.

What this recipe needs is a big, fat, dollop of saliva

What this recipe needs is a big, fat, dollop of saliva

His recipes are shite

It comes as no surprise that Mr Oliver doesn’t have a Michelin Star, because his food is utter tosh. We all know how to open a tin of Ragu, and as much as I love olive oil, I don’t want to go swimming in it. When fellow chef Nigella Lawson was questioned about his cooking talents, she responded ‘’His recipes are sheer poppy-cock – I’d rather eat dog s*it, he’s a complete t*t’’.

People tel me I'm special

People tell me I’m special


He doesn’t practice what he preaches

Oliver loves to tell people what they should and shouldn’t be eating, but what has he been eating himself? He may be far from being morbidly obese, but he’s still packing a few extra pounds, so should just keep schtum. Probably all that olive oil.

He’d spit in your soup if you let him

Just look at his face! He continuously spits and slavers over his overrated food during the cooking process, so you know that your meal is going to be a complete saliva fest.